..:: Written .:. Off ::..

I deserved to be punished for what I did; instead, I drank from the nectar of the gods.

I was asked to produce a piece of flash fiction for a horror blog carnival, and what did I do? I waited until last minute and turned in a half-baked piece of trash. Literary suicide they would call it, if anyone in the industry even knew anything about my blog.

My readers were kind. They left nice comments and didn’t savage me the way those reviewers on Amazon do when their favorite author produces a piece of garbage. Just look at how they crucify Robert Jordan every time he produces a novel! The man can’t sign autographs anymore because his pen keeps falling through the holes in his palms!

My betrayal kept me up all night. I stared at the ceiling, knowing that I had committed the ultimate betrayal of my readers and myself. Thank god that my wife, who slept soundly next to me, didn’t know she was laying next to a fraud.

I had to make amends. I had to make things right with both my readers and myself.

But how?

Then it hit me like a bug falling on my face from the ceiling. I had to write the Greatest Flash Fiction Story Ever Written.

It sounded easy at first, but let me tell you, it took me at least a half hour to come up with the premise, and what a premise it was! My hands were shaking with excitement as they pulsed with raw creative genius. I reached for the journal that I keep by my bed just for these emergencies and found that it was gone! Wait a minute, it wasn’t missing, I remembered that I never got around to buying a bedside journal. Do you see how I sabotage myself?

I leapt out of bed and skinned my forehead on the canopy bar but was undeterred. I had the Greatest Flash Fiction Story Ever Written in my head and nothing would stop me from writing it.

I passed my wife’s office and noticed that her Windows laptop was powered up and ready to go. Yeah right. That was just inviting disaster. I moved onto my room and powered up my MAC; knowing that I was righteous and about to do the work of the gods. I sat down at the keyboard and began to type furiously. The words were spraying out my fingers like a garden hose turned to 10! Every perfect sentence constructed itself into a fine web of mastery waiting to capture the fly of the reader’s imagination. I guided the racecar of my mind around the track of every plot twist. I kept thinking of Sean Connery yelling, “Pound the Keys!” from that stupid movie.

Finally, it was complete, and I collapsed in front of the keyboard.

I awoke to the sound of my wife rustling around my room. She asked me what I was doing at the keyboard and told her about my eruption of creativity. I sat her down in my chair and let her read the words that I had written. Her mouth hung open as she read, and when she got to the end, she began to cry with amazement. She told me that it was the Greatest Piece Of Flash Fiction she had ever read. I tried to hide my smug, knowing look but I couldn’t. I had truly tapped into the ether that of the great writers of mankind had, and produced a thing of wonder!

Or had I? My wife wasn’t really a reader and she certainly wasn’t a writer. Did she have the “know” to decide true greatness? I decided to email the story to my friend who was an English Major in college. Okay, so he was a failed writer and spent more time drinking than studying but at least he was well versed in the Classics, which is what I needed!

I sent my story off and waited. Instead of emailing me back, he called, sobbing. He told me that in all of his years, he had never read anything so magnificent and wondrous. He even admitted to wishing that he wrote it himself. “How could something so perfect be created by man”, he said.

“Only the gods know, my friend,” I replied and hung up.

Satisfied, I sat at my keyboard and copied the story into Word Press. I was about to publish the story, when something occurred to me; why should something so grand be given away for free? It was mine! What if I published it on the Internet and someone stole it? I felt a shudder pass through me. That’s exactly what would happen! Someone out there, some writer, who hadn’t been chosen, would try to pawn off my masterwork as his own. I took a deep breath and went down to my kitchen to get a glass of water, when I came back to my room, I was surprised to find my wife sitting in front of my computer. She told me that she just had to read it again. When she left the room, I noticed something in her hand. Was it one of the portable Key drives? I blinked then panic struck. I had sent it to my friend. My failed writer friend! I couldn’t recall the email since it had already been read so I would have to go to his house and demand that he delete it. I was about to leave when I began to feel uneasy about leaving the story on my PC. I quickly printed out a hard copy and deleted all traces of it from my computer. I even deleted it out of my Sent Items in my email.

I left my house clutching the only copy of the story in one hand and some wooden persuasion in the other. My wife asked where I was going with the bat and I said flatly, “To play baseball.”

My friend was easy enough to persuade (and I didn’t even need to use the bat). He said nothing as I sat in front of his computer to make sure that every trace of the story was gone. I also checked to see if he had mailed it to anyone and even dug into his print queue to make sure that he didn’t print it.
“You never read the story, got it?” I said to him before leaving.

********
I’m sitting in a park, holding the last remaining copy of the Greatest Flash Fiction Story Ever Written. As people pass me by, I know that they know what I have in my hands. And I know that they want it.

But it’s mine, I scream at them in my head, its all mine!

I walk for a bit, holding the paper to my chest when I come upon a group of kids setting a fire inside a barrel. I ask them what they are doing, and they tell me that every year, at the end of the school year, they burn their books to bring in the summer. One of them throws in a copy of the Complete Works Of Shakespeare while another kid drops in a copy of Charles Dickens.
I sigh and know what needs to be done.

I drop the single piece of paper that contains the Greatest Flash Story Ever Written into the fire and watch it

burn

beside the works of my peers.

©2006 All rights reserved. Materials may not be reproduced without express permission from the author.

Several writers, including myself, participated in the Tastes of the Darkness blog carnival. Each writer produced a piece of flash fiction with the theme of isolation. My entry is posted below. You can find links to the other entries at Ben Solah's Blog. Check them out if you have time, they are really good!

For those of you interested in trying your hand at Flash Fiction, there is a great article at Fiction Factor by G.W. Thomas that will clue you in to all of the basics. 

If you are interested in, no pun intended, the brief history of Flash Fiction and finding sites where you can get your flash published, check out the Wikipedia entry. 

So I spent all of Memorial Day weekend sick with whatever flavor of the week ailment that my daughter infected me with from her daycare. She gets sick. I get sick. Anyway, I forgot to write my flash piece for Tastes of the Darkness and received an email today that it was due. Crap. So here is something that I wrote in roughly an hour. It is wholey unedited and not very good but in the spirit of "Reasons Not To Procrastinate", I present:

***** 

Mechanical Creatures

I just snorted a line of No-Doze.

Do you believe that?

I tried mashing the tiny pills with a spoon but that didn’t work so I covered them with a piece of paper towel and crushed them with a rubber mallet.

So far, I can’t tell if it’s doing anything or not. The two pots of coffee that I sucked down in the last three hours should be more than enough to keep me awake, but you never know. I have to stay awake.

You see, they come for me when I sleep.

They come for me in my dreams.

I can see them, crawling around the edges of what is like the television screen of my dreams. I watch too much TV; even my dreams are like a sitcom.

My dreams begin normal enough with me at work or visiting a friend; but then something happens.

They are subtle.

I see quick movements out of the corner of my mind’s eye. Black shapes like vines or centipedes moving out of sight. They scatter when my dream-self confronts them. They hide in the dark places created by the fabric of my dreams. Usually, I’m able to scare them off; but last night was quite different.

I dreamt that I was lying in bed in a room that wasn’t my own; it was a hotel or something. I was watching TV, or trying to at least. I kept switching the channels but all that I could get was static. I felt like I was about to awake when I noticed something moving from the corners of the room. Black vines were winding their way towards me. I tried to get up from the bed but my limbs were as heavy as stone. The vines reached me and circled around my wrists and ankles. Their touch was warm and slick as if they were flesh.

I screamed but did not awake.

Something fell on my face and scuttled off down the side of my cheek. My eyes darted to the ceiling that moved as if it were a river with a breeze blowing over it. It was a river of insects, weaving in out of each other.

Thousands of tiny mechanical creatures.

This time I screamed. I screamed so loud that I awoke from my dream. I sat up in my own bed and found no trace of the insects or vines that held me down. After a few minutes, the terror from the dream subsided. I got up and went the bathroom to relieve myself. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed the tiniest trail of slime running down the side of my face.

So you see, I have to stay awake.

I have to.

Note: Yes, Mule, I stole the title from THAT Voivod song.

Absolute Write, a great writing site, was forced to shut down after a Literary Agent complained because her name appeared on a list of the Top Twenty Worst Agents. You can read about it here and also follow a link to the worst agents.

Update: The site is back up and running. 

Well, today was supposed to be my last day at work but I ended up getting an extension until July or later. I am one of two people being left behind. Yes, two people left on four empty office floors. It's kind of creepy walking around sometimes. All that you can hear is the groan of the air conditioning units. The place will be even more desolate next week when every is gone. The plus to all of this is that I will probably only need to be in the office 2-3 days a week. I can use the time to continue my job hunt.

Memorial day weekend is coming and with glut of talk about vacation and sales, we tend to forget what the day is really for; remembering the people who have given their lives for our freedom.

Okay, I know what your thinking; stop lecturing! And you're right but I still think that it's a bit sad how almost every holiday that we observe here in America is an excuse to have huge sales and spend money. Here is a break down:

Christmas = Buy Gifts

Labor Day = Labor Day Sales, End of Vacation Season
Memorial Day = Memorial Day Sales, Begin of Vacation Season

Easter = Buy Baskets and fill with candy

There are more, of course, but typing this is making me feel too cynical. This post was sparked from a radio advertisement that insinuated that Memorial Day meant GREAT Savings. Maybe we should just gather every painter in every city in American and paint a huge corporate logo from coast to coast so that we can advertise to whatever life forms are watching us. Maybe they would be interested in free cell phone minutes.

Oh, by the way, have a great weekend

I was reading my friend Lingo Slinger's Blog and she created a random list of things that she is enjoying currently in her life. While I was going to post a music playlist here, I decided to follow Lingo and create a quick list of things that I have been enjoying lately. Leave your own list if you are inclined:

1. Voivod - Katorz (promo CD)

2. Lord of the Fire Lands - Dave Duncan (book)

3. Blasting my CDs at work since there is no one around to get annoyed by it anymore.

4. Writing Flash Fiction

5. Sitting outside, enjoying the nice spring weather

6. Drinking Tazo Zen tea

7. Weight Lifting and excercise: The cure for the blues

8. Rita's Mint Chocolate Chip Cream Water Ice

9. Elder Scrolls Oblivion for XBox 360.

10. Henry Rollins' books

11. Homemade Burritos  

I've taken an unscheduled vacation from editing my novel and writing in general. I have had zero motivation to do anything in the last few weeks, except work on some flash fiction. This is supposed to be my last week at work, but I suspect that there will be an extension for me that will at least keep me here another month. I'm not sure how I feel about this since, I will most likely be one of two people left behind roaming through dark and empty halls. If that is the case, and I do decide to stay, I plan on using the time to edit my novel and do some work-related studying for whatever my next job will be. 

I've been trying to read more, lately. I like to read things that inspire me to write. I just finished two Henry Rollin's books back to back and now I'm working on reading Lord of the Fire Lands; an excellent fantasy novel by Dave Duncan. If you are into fantasy and would like to read something different, check out The Gilded Chain by Dave Duncan. It is most awesome.

The Henry Rollin's books are another matter entirely. In case you don't know, Henry is a musician who also writes and has his own interview show on IFC. Some of his books are collections of poetry, while others are his daily journals from his time spent touring with his various bands. Anyone interested in pursuing life in a working band should read one of Henry's books. He strips away the glamour of music business and lets you see the ugly underbelly. Henry is very health conscious, so if you are looking for tales of drugs and debauchery, look elsewhere. What you get in his books is the tale of a man who only cares about one thing; the work. Everything else is bullshit; the groupies; the music business phonies; the journalists. Some reviewers have said that his books are repetitious since you will be reading night after night about each show. These people are missing the point. It's the mind numbing repetition that is most powerful when taken as a whole. His books can be exhausting to read, but the point is clear; no matter what line of work you are in, what is most important is the work. If you're a musician or a writer or a circus clown, if you're not going to give 100% to your craft, then you are only cheating yourself. When Henry plays with his band, he goes out there ever night with one intention, to blow the every band on the bill off the stage and blow the audience away. This may sound arrogant but he's not an arrogant guy. He uses this mindset to make sure that he gives everything that he has when he performs. He mentions a lot of other bands that he sees just going through the motions when they perform and questions why they even bother.

As a writer, I try to learn something from whatever I'm reading. What I've learned from reading Henry's books is that, I need to give a lot more to my writing. When I first starting writing, I did it for myself. As I neared completion of my novel, I started to think of publication and getting an agent, which I guess is normal. I think that somewhere along the way, I forgot that the most important thing is making sure that my work is the best that I can be. Is it? Well, I'm not so sure anymore. When I finish editing the last few chapters, I may put it away and go back to it in a few months to look at it with fresh eyes. We shall see. 

Every once in a while, I like to go to Billboard's website and take a look at what kind of music America is buying. The last time that I took a look at Billboard Top 200 (Albums), it was littered with teeny bopper bands and rap. Now, it seems the charts have been invaded by a small group of returning Alt-Rockers from the 90s. Let's take a look:

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium: Seems like fans can't get enough of RHCP. They managed to sell over 400, 000 units in their first week. This is a pretty amazing since their last album, By The Way, only sold around 250,000 in the opening week.

2. Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me: It's hard for me to even write about this one. Who really cares what the Ex-Mr. Simpson has to say? Apparently a lot of people. 

3. Tool - 10,000 Days: I've never figured out what's so great about this band. They are worshiped by their fans. They seem okay to me. I guess people connect with them for some reason. I've heard the they have a great live show. The packaging on this one seems really nice.

4. Jagged Edge-Jagged Edge: I don't know who these guys are but they look really scary!

5.  The Isely Brothers - Baby Makin' Music: This one is a surprise. Old band makes good. The title is hilarious. 

6. Rascal Flatts - Me and My Gang: These guys look like some kind of Country boy band. Their bio refers to them as "a country band known for their pleasing harmony." Someone get me a razor. 

7. High School Musical - Sountrack: Another one that I never heard of. Is this a play or a

8 . Various Artist - Now That's What I Call Music #21: Somehow I doubt it.  movie? It's on Disney's label, so I'm sure it's some kiddie thing.

9. Pearl Jam-Pearl Jam: What is it with these bands that have been around forever putting out self-titled albums? Can it be that they can't come up with a title. I think they are trying to tell us that it's some kind of rebirth or something.

10. James Blunt-Back to Bedlam: Don't know who this guy is but the cover looks like some kind of 60s throwback. I'll bet he smoked a lot of blunts while designing the cover. 

Is anyone else getting sick of The Da Vinci Code? There are so many editions of this book that the bookstores should just give in and give it it’s own section. I would buy a copy but I’m so overwhelmed by the variety of different sizes and shapes it comes it, I wouldn’t know where to start. Should I get:

1. The Classic Hardback edition?
2. The paperback?
3. The trade paperback?
4. The version that is longer in size with the sticker that says it is easier to read?
5. The big honking illustrated edition?
6. The ebook?
7. The audio book?
8. The version where Dan Brown follows you around and reads it to you?

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t really care about the Da Vinci code. I recently visited a blog where the author was droning on and on about how great it is. I left a comment asking why she thought it was so great. She replied by saying, “It changes everything that you thought about Jesus.” The kicker was that she spelled Da Vinci wrong in the post title. At least bother to get the name of the book right!

Still, I’m a little disturbed by her comment. Can people be that easily swayed in their religion that a work of fiction will change what they have thought their whole life? No wonder the Catholic Church is going nuts over this book. They will have to work doubly hard to sway back the people that they easily swayed in the first place. On the bright side, at least the Catholic Church isn’t as militant as some of these other religions who blow things up over a cartoon in a news paper. Could you imagine if they were? Sheesh! I would step foot near a theater for the next year if that were the case.

I was raised Catholic, and through my own series of experiences, decided that it was not for me. I really have nothing against other people’s beliefs and think that everyone should find their own way in life. That said, if you are that easily swayed by a movie…well…you may want reavaulte things in your life.

The following is a true story. My wife’s Friend, we will call her C., went to see The Passion of The Christ. She was so affected by the movie that she became a nun for some church (not sure which). The last that I heard from C., she was still a nun but was also moving to Hawaii to become a part-time Bounty Hunter. There is a TV show in there somewhere, isn’t there?